Preparations and Sadness

There never seems to be enough hours in the day, or days in the week. On my days off I have been scrambling around trying to get errands done, of which there seems to be a never ending list. Its hard to get things done when I sleep in, because I can't seem to get to sleep before 2 am because of my wacky schedule. Its really frustrating, I drag around tired all the time, all the while thinking of all the things I have to get done. It would be a lot easier if I could make my phone calls at 1 am. What's up with everyone sleeping during the night?

And yes, it finally hit me this week. I am moving 3000 miles away from my entire family. Ouch. It's worse at night when I'm trying to fall asleep, and I just lay there and think. I need a switch so I can turn off my brain at night. Its really depressing. I tear up just thinking about it. Our family has always been close. I will miss them so much it hurts. It feels like I'm dying, or everyone else is- like I'm starting to grieve the loss of my family. I moved my end date at work up a week, so I can spend so more time with family around the holidays and go to Burbank Confrnce. My mom and I scrap every now and then, but I will miss her terribly. She is always there to talk to. My sister and I have grown closer in the past few years. She blows me away with how smart she is, and yet she seems so quiet and unassuming. I worry about her a lot, that she takes too much on, and that I wish I could spare her knowing about all the horrible things out in the world. I will miss our trips together, and just getting to hang out, talk and do things together. It kills me to think of leaving my nephews too. Little C just lights up a room when he walks in with his big cheesy grin. I'll miss him calling me "Do" and "Nan" every other minute. His enthusiasm is infectious- it's so much fun to see him learn new words and concepts. I've grown closer to R lately, and she has been fun to talk to. I'll miss having my brother to talk to, he always seems like the one who has it all together. I like his sense of humor, I'll miss hearing him laugh. My grandparents too... I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't get to see my grandparents at least once a week. When mom had her accident, they moved into our house to look after us. They have taught me a lot over the years, and I enjoy their company. They have been a huge part of my life and I will miss them dearly. I know I can always pick up the phone, and family will always be family... but it's not the same. I'm missing out on the lives of the people who mean the world to me. What if something happens to one of them and I'm not there? What if they don't call me? Will I be forgotten when I'm gone?